Winter Olympics and Aqua Aerobics

"Aqua aerobics is not only a great way to get fit but it is also one of the safest. It keeps the heart and lungs healthy whilst toning the body and reducing fat, and also provides a good opportunity for a splash about in the water." - http://www.safewatersports.co.uk/AquaAerobics.html

This year was supposed to be an energetic final year at university, but I have to admit failure in that department. Back in October, I enthusiastically joined the kayaking club, begrudgingly paid the joining fee and disappointedly realised that however much I wanted to, I didn't have enough spare time to devote to floating in a boat.

Since then my regular exercise has consisted of running between lecture theatres at high speeds, feeding the ducks and sporadic bursts of energy leading to various one-off adventures.

Take, for example, my trip to Zwiesel in January. The aim was to learn Nordic cross-country skiing with a large group of air cadets.

The technique was actually surprisingly easy in terms of moving on skis. The part I found more difficult to master was stopping. This was inevitably going to end in disaster, especially when coupled with a particular 'Top Gun' quote deeply imprinted on my mind:

"I feel the need... the need for speed!"

And rightly so! Being human allows us to experience life at a faster pace than, say, a sloth, but we're still far removed from the league of the cheetah, and it's only natural to be curious.

So with this in mind I set off at the top of 'The Arber', one of the more popular cross-country skiing mountains in the Bayerwald, on an especially foggy day, having first encountered a pair of skis only four days earlier. It's easy to pick up speed on narrow, cross-country skis. Marvellous stuff!

Predictably I crashed about 200 m from the top of the mountain and went head-over-ski with a rather loud crunch.

What I didn't realise was that a handy gondola-type-contraption was waiting to take injured parties safely back down the mountain, if I were to ascend to the summit and hop on board. Instead, I opted to hobble/ski/fall down a further 10 km or so to the bottom, where my foot was screaming at me enough to warrant a trip to hospital for an x-ray.

At this point, I have to mention that the German A&E system is exteremly efficient. I was in and out in no more than 35 minutes, having had an x-ray and been through the complicated issue of discussing the results through a bilingual translator. It took me three hours just to get seen at Poole Hospital when I tried to get an x-ray in September!

The bottom line is that however much I like adventurous sports, it's extremely likely that I'll come home with an injury. It's not my fault; I get distracted. If I hadn't been trying to remember the second verse of 'Back in Black' as I rounded the fatal corner in Zwiesel, I wouldn't have joined the pile-up of cadets who had already hit the snow.

With this in mind, I've decided not to enter the Winter Olympics this year. Instead, I've taken up a potentially safer option: Aqua Aerobics.

But there's always Sochi 2014...

BA(E)d Times

One of Britain’s largest manufacturers, BAE Systems, has been the centre of an investigation into corruption and bribery spanning 20 years. Illegal payments of millions were allegedly made and fines amounting to more than £280 million will have to be paid to both the Serious Fraud Office in the United Kingdom and the Department of Justice in Washington, reaching record corporate punishment fines.

Yet nobody has actually been held accountable for anything. The only prosecution into an individual has been dropped and a firm line has been drawn under the whole fiasco. BAE says it ‘regrets the lack of rigor in the past’, although I’m sure that there should be a few more things on that list. Either the head honchos have a regrettable lack of integrity, honesty and respect for international relations, or their regrettable naivety has led to regrettable oversights resulting in regrettable worldwide misconduct. It’s not really what we need from our leading defence and aerospace company, even if they are partly responsible for the magnificent Eurofighter Typhoon.

The admissions include false accounting and making misleading statements, an example including holding their hands up to having written an ‘untrue letter’ to the US authorities in 2000. Maybe I’m being unfair; after all there are always alternative explanations for things. There could, for example, be a band of executives at BAE who’ve forgotten the fundamentals of numeracy and literacy. In this case the company could do with investing some of its extra cash, usually reserved for encouraging arms deals with reluctant investors, in some adult education. Once they’ve remembered how to add up correctly they can go back to work. Unfortunately the alternative seems more likely, that if you’re in big business you can lie and cheat all you like, as long as you’ve got enough cash to pay your way out of it.
Corruption can’t have a place in international trade, whether it be trade in fighter jets, weapons systems or donuts. It simply undermines the relationships necessary for maintaining national and international security. Somehow though, the investigation into allegations concerning BAE has come to a close now that they’ve thrown some more money in the right direction.

There still remain concerns about the company’s dealings with the Czech Republic, Hungary, Romania and South Africa. In 2006, Tony Blair accepted responsibility for closing an enquiry into mysterious payments surrounding the sales of al-Yamamah fighter planes to Saudi Arabia after pressure from BAE Systems and from Saudi Arabian officials who, it’s reported, threatened to rethink security agreements with Britain. This didn’t do much good for the company’s reputation.

In 2001 cabinet minister Clare Short objected to BAE’s divisive sale of an extortionately priced radar system to Tanzania. She said it ‘stank of corruption’. The World Bank deemed the purchase to be overpriced. The Civil Aviation Authority felt it unnecessary. Cabinet ministers made attempts to stop the purchase but were overruled by the Prime Minister. The Serious Fraud Office then found that over £9 million were diverted into offshore bank accounts accessed by Tanzanian politicians and officials. None of this would stand alone as evidence for corruption, however you would have thought that anyone with a bit of knowledge about the country’s military situation would have had alarm bells ringing at a deafening pitch: Tanzania didn’t have a military air force. I’m not surprised then, that a poverty stricken country with no military aircraft, didn’t really want an expensive, out of date, military air traffic control unit when a run-of-the-mill civilian one would do for half of the price. I’m also not surprised that the politicians took, when offered, such large amounts of money to sweeten the deal.

The only admission made by BAE was a breach of the 1985 Companies Act, after the company failed to record payments made to a marketing advisor, although I fail to be convinced that this is their only wrong-doing in the fiasco. Whether BAE admit to corruption or not, the resignation of Tanzanian politician Andrew Chenge, after the discovery of £500,000 appearing in his Jersey bank account at the time of the deal, leaves me just a little sceptical of the company’s conduct. The Serious Fraud Office is convinced of matters going beyond the admission of failing to keep “reasonably accurate accounting records”. In fact, they are handing over a large portion of the UK fine as an ex gratia payment for investment in programmes to benefit the people of Tanzania. One can only hope it ends up where they say it will, but if the suppliers of our defence systems can’t be trusted and the Serious Fraud Office can’t be trusted, who can?

Scandal at Slimbridge! 07 FEB 2010

Swan Divorce Scandal

Swans at Slimbridge Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust in Gloucestershire have divorced.

Of the 4,000 pairs of swans studied only two pairs have gone their separate ways in 20 years.

The swans usually mate for life and look for another mate only after a partner’s death.

Male swan, Sarindi, returned from the annual migration from Russia with a new lady-friend, causing concern amongst staff for female Saruni’s welfare. Shortly afterwards Saruni arrived with a new man and the pair are now living in the same pond at Slimbridge.

No interaction between the old couple has been witnessed since the separation.

New Health Risk for Smokers: 02 FEB 2010

An exploding cigarette raises new fears for smokers in Indonesia after security guard Andi Susanto, 31, lost five teeth when the cigarette he was smoking exploded in his mouth.

Mr Susanto was riding his motorbike at the time of the explosion and described the incident as “unexpected”. There appeared to be no noticeable defects in the cigarette’s appearance, nor an unusual odour or taste.

The cigarette was a Bentoel Clas Mild, marketed as ‘the ultimate experience of satisfaction and smoothness’.

Cigarette manufacturer PT Najorono Tobacco will cover all immediate medical costs and have offered 5m rupiah (£335) in compensation. The company is also expected to fund the construction of a new set of teeth.

Mr Susanto is now recovering with bandaged lips in hospital and has had several stitches and two further tooth extractions in addition to the teeth initially lost in the explosion, as well as a cracked motorcycle helmet.

He has now decided to give up smoking.

This is the first such case to be reported and forensic laboratory tests are now being carried out to determine the cause of the incident. Investigators are also looking for traces of explosives, such as potassium, on Mr Susanto’s clothing. Bekasi Police are waiting for the laboratory report before making further enquiries.

A spokesperson for the cigarette company told the Jakarta Globe:

“We do not put any strange materials in the cigarettes so we think that this is a weird case. This is the first time for us.”

21 DEC 09

The Lead-Up To Christmas 2009

I've neglected the blog for too long. I blame it on an overload of coursework and the fact that there's snow in the UK; we're not very good at dealing with inclement weather. Fancy the Channel Tunnel coming to a standstill the other day. Anyone would think the freezing temperatures were unexpected, but we live in Europe, not Asia, so there's no excuse! The 'Chunnel' breakdown particularly worries me because I really don't like tunnels, and the thought of being stuck in an especially long one underneath the sea really doesn't appeal very much.

Amongst all of the bad weather reports up and down the country, and the true Brits in us must be overjoyed at some real weather news(!),I have the opposite to grumble about. I've missed all the snow!!! Last year I had an excuse: I was in Malaysia. This year I'm back in the UK and there's snow EVERYWHERE, except for Dorset.

My friend, Hannah, signed off her email with a note saying she was just off out sledging in Durham, Shelley's car was converted into a giant, stationary, snowball in Kent, Lisa had to crawl back through the snow from Exeter and even Cardiff had a centimetre of lying snow this morning. Here in Dorset it's been lurking at two degrees Celcius and raining for several days with not a snowman in sight!

The lack of festive snow, coupled with complicated coursework and the fact that I'm several Christmas presents short of a completed Christmas shopping mission should, by most standards, render one fairly miserable, but I've been enjoying catching up with everyone at home and am looking forward to Christmas more than ever this year.

I'm going skiing in January. If there's no snow then I'll be really peeved...

13 DEC 09

Sunday

It’s been quite hard to accept, but it turns out that I am the ultimate Blagging Failure. I can cope with the little things (vouchers, universal freebies, student discounts), but when it comes to the real, skilful art of blagging, I’ve finally found my position at the bottom of the pile. As I spend my Sunday afternoon trying to blag writing this feature however, I realise that I have had a useful insight into the Blagger’s World, from which I’ve drawn the following conclusions:

1. Blagging should be spontaneous. Pre-planned, thoroughly thought-out blagging not only takes the fun out of it, but also verges on the borders of organised crime.
2. The victim shouldn’t be aware of The Blag. The lady at the bar almost gave over a free drink, but her manager wasn’t sympathetic to my quest. All I acquired through honesty in this respect was a safety pin from a pitying friend.
3. Blaggers need to blend in OR have the ‘gift of the gab’. If you come across as a blithering idiot dressed as a pirate you won’t get anywhere in life. Unless you’re on a pirate ship.

12 DEC 09

Saturday: The last full day of blagging.

I caught the train into London. The teenager next to me looked as if she was ready to stab/shoot/eat the next person who dared to look at her, so I refrained from divulging my new life-story, which is a shame as I’d just got a job as a trapeze artist in a travelling circus.

A group of school friends were waiting outside Pizza Hut on Oxford Street. It was a birthday, and having most definitely seen candles in a fudge cake at such an establishment before, it was time for a mild blag. I sneaked off to ‘the toilet’ and tracked down our waitress. She informed me that they had no candles and no lighter but gave me directions to the nearest supermarket. Dejected, but still hoping to make the birthday meal at least a little special, I ran off to the shop and managed to get back with candles and party hats before the drinks had arrived. It turns out that this wasn’t a huge achievement as the service was so unbelievably slow that I could have easily walked to the River Thames with a bucket, designed, built and operated my own water filtration system in the time it took to get a drink. It inexplicably took three hours to order and eat lunch but at least, I thought, there would be candles on the fudge cake.

A sorry lump of dessert did eventually arrive, with one measly, pathetic candle carelessly placed off-centre at a peculiar angle. Less than impressed, I asked if we could have the rest of the candles back, to which I was informed that the rest had been thrown away. Pizza Hut blagged my candles! I took comfort in the fact that I could potentially write and complain in the hopes of getting free pizza next time.
The afternoon was spent looking for blagging opportunities, which don’t present themselves readily on a Saturday afternoon in central London on the lead-up to Christmas, and utterly defeated I waited for the Megabus at Victoria Coach Station. The prospect of a three hour coach journey back to Cardiff tempted me into Subway and I ordered the £1.99 six inch ham ‘Sub of the Day’.
“Foot long chicken and bacon with drink, yes?” the man confirmed.
I repeated that I’d just like the Sub of the Day, if that was alright. The man nodded and prepared my order; I waved my arm in the general direction of the vegetable collection and wearily wondered what on Earth I was going to write about for this blagging article. I reached the till and found myself faced with a foot long chicken and bacon meal which consumed every last penny of loose change in my possession. I spent the coach journey pondering my lack of blagging abilities in silence.